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Government Announces New “See You in ICU” Prize Draw

Our intrepid reporter, Emilia Snodgrass, usually not far from the coal-face of action, has reported that the Croquet Association of Great Britain has decreed that play may commence provided it is singles only, and there is no shaking of hands. She is therefore indisposed – this following on from her failed application to be furloughed, when it became clear that as a free-lance writer, she earnt almost nothing anyway.

So, given this temporary absence, I can do little more than forward the latest No 10 Press Briefing, announcing a new and innovative lottery. Iit is heart-warming that in these dark times, our political leaders are managing to provide new and inclusive initiatives.

Do read on……….


Government Announces New “See You in ICU” Prize Draw

In a momentous shift of Government policy, Boris Johnson, as part of his Plan to Rebuild the Conservative Party – “saving livelihoods, saving our livelihoods” - is offering a one off lottery (maybe to be repeated) into the exclusively English “See You in ICU” competition.

The hospitals have been cleared, extra beds made available in luxurious conference surroundings with good transport links, so why not abandon that trip to the National Park or cherished holiday abroad, and aim to spend a few weeks being pampered, all expenses paid, at one of our designated hubs.

Bronze Level Prize Winners will receive food parcels and medicines in the comfort of their own homes, Silver Level Winners can experience the heightened states of oxygen saturation (depending on availability) and Gold Level Winners will be able to lie on their front, drifting into no-man’s land under the caring guidance of our multinational trained assistants.

How do I qualify? There are many routes to entry: taking public transport will almost certainly guarantee you a prize, particularly in London; security assistants are eligible for a special free pass entry, and returning to any work where you can freely mingle with others will stand you in good stead for a prize. Income level or ethnicity is no barrier – these factors increasing your chance of success.

In the event of too many winning entrants, the tiebreaker will be decided by answering a simple question and completing the following sentence:

Tennis players should avoid transmission by:

a. wearing a condom

b. each side initialling their own tennis balls

c. playing soccer.

Complete the sentence below:

“I could manage the pandemic better than the Government by………………………………………….……………….” (10 words or less)

Answers to be posted here or on facebook comments

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